You know those mornings when you wake up from one of those 40 beers and Quaaludes nights and the only thing you can think of is a nice cold drink of ice water? Unfortunately you’re so weakened by the past-evening’s debauchery that the only energy you can muster is to reach for the glass of mystery juice that was left on your nightstand. Alas, you have no recollection of the contents of the aforementioned glass, but you realize that you have to make a decision.
It’s like Deal or No Deal. That is; if the $1,000,000 case has an ice cold Gatorade in it and the $1 case had a glass of warm, low-grade vodka that may or may not contain MDMA.
First one's free
Defiantly optimistic, you figure the odds that the beverage won’t make you go blind are in your favour. You take a nice long sip from the glass. In that moment (when you drink from what must have been used as a chamber pot/spittoon) you recoil in disgust.
This particular flavour of disgust is not just reserved for Sunday mornings. This disgust can be attributed to the lower end of the Toronto Maple Leafs’ depth chart. (<------- effective segway)
Ineffective Segway
Like a mix between Sammy the Bull and that ‘tosser’ from American Idol, I have no qualms about naming names and telling it like it is. I now aim my rage-wand towards those that don’t deserve their Waterfront Toronto condos; as they sully the good name of the Toronto Maple Leafs with their lack of skill, inconsistent play or overall hygiene.
Oh god, here we go.
Garnett ExelbyLast offseason Lord Burke said that he wants his teams to be belligerent, pugnacious and a few other synonyms for “American”. After Burke put down his thesaurus, he went out and picked up players that had such qualities. Komisarek and Orr play like they’d beat up your grandfather and then take your sister out for waffles.
mmmmmm Truculence
In addition to the aforementioned dickheaded nature, those two actually look like they’ve played hockey before. Yes, even Orr. Exelby on the other hand seems to have been home-schooled that “Truculence” means “hook opposing player in inopportune time.” Exelby is 3rd in Team penalty minutes despite spending a ton of games in the press box, and minimal ice time in games where he has the pleasure filling a seat on the bench... or penalty box.
In addition to having no redeemable qualities, other than the odd hilariously-malicious boarding penalty, Garnet Francis Exelby (editor’s note- middle name made up) had the `chutzpah` to request a trade to a team where he would get more playing time. No problem, pal. Tell the Marlies we said "what’s up". They pay in Pizza Pizza coupons.
Jeff FingerI think it’s fair to say that when Interim General Manger and World War I veteran Cliff Fletcher signed Jeff Finger in 2008 to a 4 year/14$ million contract, for a week every time someone in Toronto said the name “Jeff Finger” it was prefaced with: “Who the fuck is ______?”
It’s not imperative for the Leafs to always sign the most known players, but when we don't, I’d appreciate it if their name at least sounded Russian. It makes for at least a little mystery. I mean seriously, how much better would it have looked if Fletcher signed some guy named Vitaly Semenov? Hell, I’d probably own his jersey.
Anyways, whatever mystery there wasn’t in the first place is already gone. We know now what kind of player Jeff Finger is. Allow me to illustrate as quickly as possible, because it’s making me ill.
About a month ago, Finger was lined up as a forward during a pregame skate. This caused a momentary stir about whether or not Ron Wilson was tinkering with the idea of having Finger play on the wing. The rumours were dispelled when it was found out that the Leafs were simply waiting for a one of our minor-league call-up to arrive at the arena. What that means is that our big 2008 free-agent pickup, making 3.5$ million a season, is now a hole-plugger on the practice squad.
As I see it, there are only two possible reasons why Fletcher signed Finger to such a ridiculous contract:
Scenario A. Jeff Finger had somehow obtained a sextape of Cliff Fletcher
Or
Scenario B. Fletcher was hallucinating due to an unhealthy mixture of Lipitor and Flowmax
You might say that we got banged on that signing. Finger-banged, if you will.
Rickard Wallin
I’m gonna keep this section as brief as Wallin’s eventual tenure as a member of the Toronto Maple Le!@#$#@#......... Sorry I just vomited a little bit.
The theory to why Wallin is a member of the Leafs (and not selling bootleg hats at the Big-It-Up kiosk in the Eaton’s Centre) is his relationship to Jonas Gustavsson. In order to woo a prospect of Gustavsson’s calibre, Burke rightfully thought that Jonas`s transition to the North American game and Canadian society, would be much smoother and more welcoming if he signed one Jonas’s Farjestad BK teammates. Evidently, Wallin was the only man from that team who learned to skate. Barely.
Farjestad BK
Wallin is a borderline AHL player, ineffective in nearly all hockey situations and apparently has a wandering eye in the ACC showers (note-citation needed). However, if signing Wallin positively impacted Gustavsson’s decision to sign in Toronto and eventual development, it was worth it.
It got me thinking, though. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Leafs already had an experienced Swede who could be the calming presence for a young player such as Gustavsson. Perhaps a retired player, who could introduce him to Toronto’s vibrant Swedish community.
Toronto's Swedish Community
One to share recipes with for Fermented Herring (Surströmming). One who could act as a consultant and mentor to help guide a young player through the rigors of a full NHL season. One who would empathise with what it’s like for a young and heralded player from Sweden to deal with life in a new society.
As I see it, there are only two possible reasons why Fletcher signed Finger to such a ridiculous contract:
Scenario A. Jeff Finger had somehow obtained a sextape of Cliff Fletcher
Or
Scenario B. Fletcher was hallucinating due to an unhealthy mixture of Lipitor and Flowmax
You might say that we got banged on that signing. Finger-banged, if you will.
Rickard Wallin
I’m gonna keep this section as brief as Wallin’s eventual tenure as a member of the Toronto Maple Le!@#$#@#......... Sorry I just vomited a little bit.
The theory to why Wallin is a member of the Leafs (and not selling bootleg hats at the Big-It-Up kiosk in the Eaton’s Centre) is his relationship to Jonas Gustavsson. In order to woo a prospect of Gustavsson’s calibre, Burke rightfully thought that Jonas`s transition to the North American game and Canadian society, would be much smoother and more welcoming if he signed one Jonas’s Farjestad BK teammates. Evidently, Wallin was the only man from that team who learned to skate. Barely.
Wallin is a borderline AHL player, ineffective in nearly all hockey situations and apparently has a wandering eye in the ACC showers (note-citation needed). However, if signing Wallin positively impacted Gustavsson’s decision to sign in Toronto and eventual development, it was worth it.
It got me thinking, though. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Leafs already had an experienced Swede who could be the calming presence for a young player such as Gustavsson. Perhaps a retired player, who could introduce him to Toronto’s vibrant Swedish community.
One to share recipes with for Fermented Herring (Surströmming). One who could act as a consultant and mentor to help guide a young player through the rigors of a full NHL season. One who would empathise with what it’s like for a young and heralded player from Sweden to deal with life in a new society.
Ah well. Too bad we, the Maple Leafs, and the city of Toronto never had the pleasure of having someone like that.
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